I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize