yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
