dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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