Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
