Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
