census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
