i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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