sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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