I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
