I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
