my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
