i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
