My balls are so social today.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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