Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
