Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
