Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
