i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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