No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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