my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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