all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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