somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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