What did I eat last night that was bloody?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
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