I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
