I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
