I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
