this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
