so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I looked at my own cervix.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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