have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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