is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
