This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
