I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
