i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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