if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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