just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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