Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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