Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
