3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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