I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
is wine microwaveable?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
