Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
