my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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