Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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