Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
