I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
