our cab driver is having phone sex.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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