I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
