Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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