i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I got inside last night via doggy door
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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