I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
