I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
