they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Randomize
